Congratulations, you survived the second week of school! Now is a great time to go over some important school lessons… as taught by the classy ladies of VH1’s Charm School.
Maybe you are in school, filling up your empty-ass head with important book learnin’ from dead white guys. Or maybe you are in the school of life, navigating a world of cutthroat thots and toxic patriarchal males. Either way, you could use some knowledge about charm, class and getting $$$.
There are two prerequisites for this course:
Charm School 101: ONTD Original: The most important lessons from VH1’s "Rock of Love: Charm School"
Charm School 102: ONTD Original: Re-learn the lessons from VH1’s Charm School
1. Thou Shalt Aspire To Be Charming
(This janky commandment didn’t have a title card.)
Before there were Insta-thots, there were the girls of Charm School. They were the girls who had been rejected by Bret Michaels, Chance and Real on Rock of Love and Real Chance at Love. In short, they were hot messes.
When you’re prettier than all those other fucking bitches
They needed some cla$$, so Ricki Lake brought them to live in a tacky-ass McMansion in LA to teach them some lessons, even though Ricki Lake is tacky as fuck.
The lesson you should learn is that people who are dumber than you will try to teach you shit that you probably already know, and you will be surrounded by other dumbasses.
2.Thou Shalt Be A Model… Citizen
The girls had to do some charity werk by cleaning up a dirty river. But the real drama came when the two cliques of mostly black girls from Real Chance at Love clashed with the mostly white girls from Rock of Love.
The Real Chance of Love girls taught Brittany Starr to scream, “KISS MY BLACK ASS!”
The RoL girls said that the other girls were loud and angry, while the RCaL girls said that the other girls had drinking issues and behaved just as badly. The rift was tearing the house apart. Ultimately, Ricki eliminated Beverly for yanking another girl’s weave, and eliminated Kiki in the next episode for screaming at Bubbles for no reason.
But the lesson? Sadly, that #solidarityisforwhitewomen.
3.Thou Shalt Play Nicely With Others
The girls put on their sexiest outfits for a nursing home full of old people. Brittanya sat on men’s laps, Ashley let them squeeze her fake boob, and one old man recognized Brittany Starr from her pornos.
The lesson? Save your sexy ass for someone who will appreciate it.
4. Thou Shalt Treat Thy Body As A Temple
These bitches live lives of booze, late nights, junk food and sex—in other words, awesome lives. But all that partying does a number on your body, so they had to learn about werkin’ out, too.
They met some adorable chunky kids and had to teach them about exercise.
Brittany Starr was eliminated for being an instigator and for being so fucking bizarre.
So, feel free to party and eat crap, but balance it with healthy shit, too.
5. Thou Shalt Face Thy Fears
In this challenge, the ladies had to face their fears. They revealed their deepest, darkest fears, and a lot of them were about scary men. Baybaybay had a stalker, and she was afraid that he would kill her. Marcia’s father was abusive, and her mother stayed with him because they were desperately poor. Risky’s father molested her, and her family at first didn’t believe her. Bubbles was abused as a child, and was afraid of being attacked by a psycho man.
To conquer their fears, they had to go into A HAUNTED HOSPITAL. For fucking real, like on Nick’s season of The Bachelor.
Anyways, your lesson is never to trust men, and you are stronger than all your fucking fears.
6. Thou Shalt Pull It Together
The ladies had to build playgrounds for underprivileged kids, but couldn’t figure out the directions so they didn’t finish. K.O. was making up dramatic stories, and the girls called her out for it. Then, K.O. offered Marcia, who had quit drinking, some vodka disguised as cranberry juice. She ended up leaving of her own accord. The lesson is that when you fuck up and get called out, just admit it and apologize.
7. Thou shalt make love, not war
Two men—a former Nazi skinhead and the gay man he tried to murder—talk to the girls about tolerance and love. The girls did not seem to be buying the Neo-Nazi’s weepy story.
After that, the girls went to a dog shelter and had to clean up dog poop.
The lesson is that people will expect you to forgive racist, bigoted pieces of shit, and then you will have to clean up more shit.
8. Thou Shalt Give It Thy All
This challenge was all about the girls doing charity… by riding a mechanical bull. Most of the girls raised also money by flirting, except for Bubbles, who tried to just use her personality (she lost.)
Ashley, who is a fucking hilarious bitch, also called Bubbles r*t*rd*ed… twice. She did apologize and admit she was wrong, but BUBBLES ended up going home because Ricki decided she had less to learn than Ashley.
Baybaybay summarized Ashley very well:
Another important lesson? That people who are problematic usually don’t face consequences. Also, some bitches are just bitches. But the best revenge is going off and living your best damn life.
9. Thou Shalt Put It To Good Use
(This janky commandment also did not have a title card.)
VH1 flew the final four to New Orleans, where they were supposed to do some charity work. But instead, Ashley got wasted and went to strip clubs.
This lesson comes down to being a good person and working hard, then partying hard in your free time.
10. Thou Shalt Be Fully Charmed
Anyways, the winner of Charm School was Risky, who was pretty boring. But hands down, the most gif-able was Ashley.
ultimately, what you should learn from charm school is to go forth and be the classiest, trashiest, drunkest, soberest, slutty, prude-y bitch you want to be
Which current celebrities need Charm School, ONTD?
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